Love Doctor: q & a #19

Dear Love Doctor:

What is wrong with me? What is it that makes me prioritize sexual attraction over all else when encountering a woman? I am smart enough and even have an example with my brother that finding your soul mate has far more to do with cerebral connection than just the “hots” for somebody, but I can’t seem to get out of my own way on this point.

The Love Doctor’s Answer:

Physical or sexual attraction is an important ingredient in a romantic relationship. It is necessary and vital for a relationship over the long haul. There are several reasons though why you might prioritize sexual attraction over all else. First, perhaps you are not ready for a committed emotional relationship right now. This type of relationship takes time, emotional effort and work, and you might not be ready to invest in that type of relationship. The sexual connection/attraction is the type of intimacy that satisfies you right now in your life. Second, you might be afraid of getting hurt in a relationship with a cerebral or emotional connection. You may have been hurt in a past relationship or betrayed by others you trusted. It is easier to form a sexual connection that is superficial, than to disclose and trust your emotions, goals, and thoughts with another person. In a relationship with emotional intimacy, you can get hurt again. What if they leave you? Lastly, you may lack confidence about your own sexual or physical attractiveness to women. You then continue to seek out attractive women to boost your self esteem and show yourself that you are indeed attractive sexually. But regardless of the reason, remember that while sexual attraction is an integral element in a couple’s relationship, it should not become the foundation of the relationship. It is only one of the components necessary to establishing a loving, successful relationship over time.