Love Doctor: q & a #18

Dear Love Doctor:

I am wondering if you could shed some light on the phenomenon of marrying the same person twice. I consider myself an intelligent woman whom has always had a policy of not having a relationship with the same man twice. Something along the lines of ‘if it didn’t work the first time…’ However in the matter of marriage I ate a little crow.

When I met and married my twice ex-husband the first time I had been a single parent for 12 years, never before having been married. He seemed to be an intelligent man with a great sense of humor and a ton of personality. He was supportive, patient, and loving. I really thought that this was who I had waited for. Shortly after our wedding he began to have some challenges in business and was under a great deal of stress. He quickly became very difficult to be around. He was aggressive, angry and confrontational. In the midst of this we discovered I was pregnant. I suffered through his mood swings and unkind behavior until I was hospitalized at 5 month pregnant because the stress of our relationship was causing me to go into pre-term labor. It was clear something would need to change. I ended up moving out and the divorce followed shortly after the birth of our daughter. Life was to move forward or so it seemed.

We struggled with all of the issues that one would expect of a divorced couple trying to be civil to one another for the benefit of our child. After about 3 years we were getting along quite well and decided to get back together. As you can well imagine it was about as successful as the first time. None of our issues had changed. I am wondering what would make an otherwise intelligent couple inclined to make the same mistake twice. Once I stopped being ashamed of it and could actually joke about it I discovered that there are far more people who have done the exact same thing than I imagined.

The Love Doctor’s Answer:

First and foremost, I want to encourage you never to be ashamed of any of your relationship behaviors or decisions. If you have done or felt it, you can be assured others have as well. Do other people marry or return to an ex-partner? Yes. But it is much more likely to occur when two people have what we call joint investments or ventures together - especially children, a large circle of common friends, or a joint business. These are situations where the two people are strongly involved in a joint venture and have frequent contact because of it.

What makes an intelligent couple get back together again? First, at one time you thought this man was supportive, patient and loving. You were attracted to all that he had to offer at the time. You can always expect to be attracted to the same qualities in a partner (good and bad, and if not him then someone just like him), unless you do some thoughtful analysis and work with yourself. You need to ask yourself questions like: Why are you continually attracted to men who are different than you; men who want to take care of you or control you; or men who are moody, unstable or explosive? For some people thoughtful analysis means time alone (without a relationship) to do some soul searching. For others it means asking for assistance from a therapist, counselor or other mental health professional. Another person’s perspective (who isn’t close to you) is often helpful in these situations. His negative qualities or incompatibilities didn’t go away, you just don’t see them all of the time. Next, time heals wounds and we forget the negatives of a past relationship. You would be surprised at how many people remember how wonderful a relationship was at the beginning, but forget the negatives at the end. I always encourage people to talk to their friends and family members before they go back to an ex-partner. These friends/family will remind you of what went wrong and why the two of you were not compatible. Finally, your ex-husband will always be a known relationship. And sometimes we feel “a known relationship” is easier to live with than an unknown relationship. We think it might be more challenging to start all over with someone new.